ahhhhh!

I'm having an identity crisis. Last night I dreamed of a lesbian lover. Today, I considered drinking my coffee black. And at the end of this week I am scheduled to interview for more school only six weeks away from graduating with my second professional degree.

"I learn by going where I need to go"....thank you Theodore Roethke. But on the other hand, it's terrifying now more than ever. Timing and midwifery have never gone hand in hand for me, but I have recently rejoined my wonderfully exceptional husband and started a new chapter of my life in the north (which I looooove). Just when I feel so satisfied by this move and my new life here, my own actions and aspirations have come back to haunt me. 

When I feel this urgency to continue further down this path, I find myself hearing my husband's voice in my head: "will this ever end?". And I can't answer that. Which part? The need to continuously seek and connect with like-minded people; seek to improve myself and to empower others; look for opportunities to travel and share knowledge; live to feel inspired; lap up pregnancy and birthing knowledge like it's icey cold chocolate milk? I know this isn't what he means. What he means is why right now!? Or why can't I find this satisfaction in nursing!? I don't know the answer to this either...except that I want to learn anything and everything I can about midwifery and birth and I want to learn it now.

I have saved every midwifery application I've submitted in the past...every letter of intent, letter of reference, interview offer and letter of rejection (two of those, so far). I'm not sure why. Maybe it's to remind myself when I try to go at this again that fate is against me and to save myself the burden of walking full stride into a panel of rejection. Maybe it's so that I can wear my heart on my sleeve in the form of a scrapbook that I will send in the mail to my parents in the hopes of somehow simmering their disapproval. Or maybe it's so that one day when I am a midwife and I get cold-called by a curious and enthusiastic prospective midwifery student (like I have done so many times), I can look back at this journey of mine and remember what it was like.

Becoming a midwife is a notoriously frustrating process for most. When and where to do so continues to lie in the looming arms of various ten-person speed dating committees who have dumped me at least once under the impression that it's best to remain friends. In fact, that is likely where my problem lies. Even though the timing is not great (i.e. god awful terrible), I have this anxious feeling like (a) I got the chance to interview again and so many other folks didn't, (b) I could apply for ten more years and not ever get an interview again, and (c) I could interview for ten more years and not get a seat. So I'd simply regret not going for this interview - despite the cost, and disruption to my life right now. Period. But - and here's the catch - I'd equally regret not actually accepting if I had the chance. And I'm just not convinced that the timing or this program itself is perfect for me.

But I do not strive to live a life of perfection. That is a slippery slope of disappointment...

So why is (has) this decision been so repeatedly difficult for me!? I look at other women who have become midwives. Who have left their homes, their families, their previous degrees and careers and most of all anyone who thought they couldn't or shouldn't do it behind in their pursuit of their dream to be midwives. They did it despite the bad timing, or the inconvenience, or the cost, or the strain. I remember talking to a midwife for advice a few years ago before applying the first time. She told me that midwifery was a calling, not a choice. That you basically can't resist it. And that's been so true for me. I'm waiting to forget all about it. Seriously. Then I could just stay put, hunker down, be a good nurse, save some money, buy a house, have some kids, and be there for every one of their birthdays.

I'm trying to make a prophylactic decision that will prevent further complicating my just settling life, but I think it's a lose-lose (how depressing is that!?) situation. I either get in, which is hard, because here's this thing I've wanted and worked hard for, but it's in Vancouver and I'm not and I don't want to go back. Or, I don't get in and then "whapbam!" there's another big fat blow to your confidence and ego...ya know, the thing that convines you that you are made for this career...but guess what, you are NOT. Or, I just don't go. But we talked about that option already.

Maybe I am not as settled as my circumstances suggest. Maybe what I am doing now is not the be all and end all. Maybe it will all still be here in 4 years. Maybe I am still the flighty, passionate and unpredictable change addict I have always been, but it just so happens that all my life's choices have collided for a brief moment in an odd combination of stability.

Midwifery challenges me more than anything I have encountered in my life. The model of care and what it represents, and the potential for me to withhold that place in society, is terrifying, exciting, empowering, and utterly inspiring.

This is an energy I'm sure I don't want to lose. But it seems to come at a price. For anyone. At anytime.